Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (2019)

A year after the Battle of Crait, Kylo Ren discovers that, somehow, Emperor Palpatine is still alive. Initially hoping to kill him, Kylo is persuaded to join Palpatine after he sees that the latter has, somehow, by himself, created an entire fleet of Star Destroyers. He also learns that Rey is Palpatine’s granddaughter, and that Palpatine wants to kill and/or convert her, depending on what scene he’s in. Meanwhile, Rey learns that Palpatine is alive, and so she, Finn and Poe set off to find a dagger, which will help them find a thing, which will lead them to the Emperor. I think. Will they do any of that? Watch the movie to find out.

Jupiter Ascending (To Infinity Retrospective)

Welcome back to the To Infinity Retrospective. A SERIES CREATED IN PREPARATION FOR RISE OF SKYWALKER! Oh! Dear me. Don’t know what just happened there. Anyway, EACH MONTH, I REVIEW A DIFFERENT SPACE OPERA! Goodness, I’m so embarrassed. I promise that won’t happen again. Anyway, this month, we’re looking at Jupiter Ascending. What’s it about? Well…

Avatar (To Infinity Retrospective)

Welcome, brothers and sisters, to the To Infinity Retrospective, a series I created in preparation for Rise Of Skywalker. On the first day of each month, I review a different space opera. Why, you ask? Simple. I do it to send the sky people a message. I do it to tell them that they can’t take whatever they want, that they can be stopped, and that this, this is our land! And what better way to convey that message than through a review of this month’s film, Avatar. What’s it about? Well…

Dragged Across Concrete (2019)

When they’re caught on tape crushing a handcuffed suspect’s face into the pavement, racist, corrupt police officers Mel Gibson and Vince Vaughn are put on unpaid leave. Enraged that “the entertainment industry, formerly known as the news” has treated them “unfairly,” and believing that they have “the skills and the right to acquire proper compensation” the men decide to follow a tip from one of their criminal connections and rip off a bank heist. Of course, everything goes south when the robbers kill the tellers and take a woman hostage so our “heroes” won’t have as easy of time stealing the gold they believe they’re entitled to. Will they make it out alive? Watch the movie to find out. (Or don’t. You’ll be fine if you skip this one).

Dune (To Infinity Retrospective)

Welcome back to the To Infinity Retrospective, a series I created in preparation for Star Wars 9. On the first day of each month, leading up till December, I’ll be reviewing a different Space Opera. Last month, I covered The Last Starfighter, a film which I consider to be an overlooked gem. This month, I’m tackling Dune, a movie that I’m… less excited for. What’s it about? Well…

Alita: Battle Angel (2019)

In the future, a catastrophic war has left the Earth devastated. Now, the last remaining humans live in a trash-covered, overcrowded metropolis, Iron City, which sits below a floating utopia, Zalem. Iron City’s inhabitants dream of going up to Zalem, but are not permitted to. And so, they do everything in their power, stealing, bounty-hunting, gladiatorial combat, to enter the flying paradise. In the midst of all this, Dr. Ido, a scientist who came down from Zalem years ago, finds a cyborg girl in the trash, realizes she’s still alive, and so rebuilds her. The girl, whom he names Alita after his deceased daughter, can’t remember her past, but possesses incredible abilities, including knowledge of the long-dead martial art Panzer Kunst, which was used by soldiers during the war. Things only get more complicated when Nova, a man up on Zalem, begins recruiting people down on the ground, including gangsters, bounty hunters and hit men, to bring him Alita’s heart. Will she survive? Will she find out who she is? Well…

Aquaman (2018)

Born of two worlds, Arthur Curry, the Aquaman, has never felt like he belonged. Despite possessing the immense strength, ability to breathe under water, and ear for “fish-speak” common among his mother’s Atlantean brethren, Arthur’s part-human heritage has made him an outcast, and ineligible for the throne. Arthur, for his part, has never had any interest in becoming King, preferring to get drunk, and save sailors from tsunamis. But when his half-brother, Orm, decides to wage war on the surface, ostensibly as revenge for decades of pollution, Arthur is forced to challenge him for the throne, first in ritual combat, and then by retrieving Poseidon’s trident, which can only be wielded by the true heir. Failure to do so will mean millions dead, and the Oceans rising to swallow the surface. Can Arthur and his partner Mera stop Orm in time? Watch the movie and find out.

You Were Never Really Here (2018)

Joe is a veteran, and hired gun. He’s not a hit man, per se. But if you need a guy to beat someone up, or retrieve something or someone, he’s the one to do it. He doesn’t talk much, and is exceptionally brutal, preferring to use a hammer to accomplish his objectives. He is frequently haunted by nightmares from his time in combat, and can’t outrun the face of a young Asian woman, which often appears before him whenever he’s alone. Anyway, he is hired by a Senator to retrieve his daughter, who’s been kidnapped by a sex trafficking ring. Joe does so, only to learn that the Senator has committed suicide, and that there may be more to this story than meets the eye. No surprises there.

A Wrinkle In Time (2018)

Meg Murray is a troubled child. Her father, a scientist for NASA, has been missing for nearly 4 years, the kids at school are mean to her, and even the teachers think she’s a lost cause. The only person who gets her is her little brother, Charles Wallace, a 4-year-old genius who seems to be able to read minds. One night, a “dark and stormy night” as the characters themselves put it, a strange woman, Mrs. Whatsit, appears on their doorstep, and casually tells them that tesseracts, the ability to teleport to other realms by bending space-time, are real. Seeing as these were the very things Meg’s father was investigating before he disappeared, Meg’s Mother, who is also a scientist, is mortified. Things only get crazier from there when two other strange women, Mrs. Who, a being who only speaks in famous quotes, and Mrs. Which, who is Oprah, appear out of nowhere, and take Meg, Charles Wallace, and Meg’s crush, Calvin, on an adventure to save their father from “IT.”

Memoirs Of A Geisha (2005)

In 1920s Japan, 9-year-old Chiyo and her sister, Satsu, are sold to pay off their impoverished families debts. Chiyo is purchased by a Geisha house, while Satsu is sent off to a brothel. At the Geisha house, Chiyo encounters the ruthless Hatsumomo, who, fearing that the young girl will grow up to replace her, makes her life a living hell. All this cruelty nearly breaks Chiyo, until, one day, she is shown a small act of  kindness by The Chairman, played by Ken Watanabe. This motivates Chiyo to become a Geisha, and she spends the next several years training in the art of music, dance, and conversation. Finally, after her instruction is complete, Chiyo becomes Sayuri, a Geisha of incredible beauty and influence. She even finds The Chairman again, who claims not to recognize her after all these years. Things are looking up, until World War 2 breaks out, sending Chiyo’s life, once more, into turmoil.