Disclaimer: The following is a satirical essay in the tradition of Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.” It is not meant to be taken seriously. If any of you are offended by what I have written, I can tell you now, that was not my intention when I penned this piece. I myself am disabled, and believe that this nation, along with the rest of the world, must take far more aggressive action in accommodating and including people like me.
It was a sad day for America indeed when, on December 5, 2012, liberal reporter Carol Costello got on her CNN soapbox and dared to suggest the unthinkable; that we, the Republicans, are against people with disabilities. This incendiary, libelous assertion came as the result of a Senatorial vote two days earlier. On that morning, December 3, thirty-eight Republican Senators blocked ratification of the UN Convention on the Rights of Persons With Disabilities. This “treaty” was advertised as a major catalyst in the global movement towards viewing persons with disabilities as full and equal members of society. In reality, it is nothing more than a devious device, which, once ratified, will be used by the United Nations to undermine America’s sovereignty. Fortunately for us, our good, God-fearing, tax-paying, patriotic Republican Senators were too smart to be fooled by this thinly disguised takeover of our freedoms, and so blocked it. Then came Comrade Costello’s outrageous accusation. As much as it hurt to hear someone say things so demonstrably untrue, her remarks got me thinking. We aren’t doing enough for those 47 million citizens who are disabled. Or rather, we’re not doing enough of the right things for them. See, our great nation was founded upon the principles of limited government and self-reliance, and certain pieces of legislation, such as the Americans With Disabilities Act, stand in stark contrast to both those beliefs. Not only that, but now, with our government more than $16 trillion in debt, they’re darn near impossible to maintain. Someone needs to come up with a cheap, effective and, most importantly, all American way to accommodate our most vulnerable citizens. Well, I’ve given it a great deal of thought, and I believe that I may now have the answer. The cheapest, most authentically American way to accommodate the disabled is to not. In order to save taxpayers money and to promote the true American ideals of hard work and self reliance, state legislators should be encouraged to round up their disabled citizens, send them up to Alaska with nothing but the clothes on their backs, and then release them into the wild to fend for themselves.
No one can argue that doing this would be a poor economic choice. According to a study conducted by Stanford University, the federal government currently spends over $260 billion on disability welfare each year. That’s more than it spends on Food Stamps and Medicaid combined. Worse still is the fact that current disability legislation encourages laziness and greed. Don’t believe me? Well then, consider this. In certain parts of the country, such as Hale County, Alabama, one and four working age adults collects a disability check, and since 2011, less than 1% of these individuals have rejoined the workforce. My proposal solves both the problem of our current legislation’s extraordinary cost, as well as the fact that many people exploit it. Disabled citizens will be required to personally pay for their transport to Alaska, and they will receive absolutely no financial or medical assistance when they get there. In this way, all federal spending on disability welfare will be cut, and the American people will get a whole extra $260 billion a year.
Releasing the disabled into the wild with no outside help is undoubtedly the most ethical solution as well. As we all know, this country was founded upon the belief in hard work and self-reliance. Being able to say that you succeeded all on your own, that’s the American Dream in its purest form. What this proposal of mine does is allow for our disabled citizens to experience that dream to the fullest extent. Since they’ll be receiving absolutely no financial or medical assistance out on the tundra, they’ll be able to take full credit for everything they do there. They’ll be building themselves a better life from scratch, and what could possibly be more in align with American ethics than that?
Some might argue that my suggestion is unfeasible, that it is cruel and unrealistic of me to expect people who can’t walk or see to thrive in the wilderness. To such skeptics I say, you are bleeding heart liberals who have no faith in the disabled. You are unwilling to give them the benefit of the doubt and so force your overbearing “legislation” and unnecessary “accommodations” down their throats. If you would just try to let them take care of themselves, you might be surprised at what happens. Take my good friend, Jeff, as an example. While serving his country in Korea, a bullet ripped through his spinal cord, thus permanently binding him to a wheelchair. He could have easily become bitter or dependent on the government, but instead, he chose to go out and make something of himself. He made a fortune in manufacturing and was even awarded an honor by President Reagan for his outstanding achievements. Truly impressive! I’ll bet you anything that the liberals never told you about people like him. See, they don’t want you to know. They want you to think that all disabled people are incompetent so they can pass more of their dictatorial laws. Releasing the disabled into the wild is the best thing for them. They’ll finally be able to flourish into the people that they always wanted to, but never could be, because of the government. So America, have a little faith. Let the handicapped take care of themselves.
Sending the disabled up to Alaska is the right decision to make. Not only does it return an annual $260 billion to the American people, it reaffirms our fundamental beliefs in hard work and self-reliance, and empowers the mentally and physically disabled by allowing them to take care of themselves. It is, by far and way, and without a shadow of doubt, the cheapest, most effective, and unquestionably most patriotic way to deal with those 47 million citizens who are disabled. I challenge anyone to come up with a more humane and/or efficient method. In fact, in order to prove my suggestions merit, I intend to head up to Alaska after having both my legs amputated. Then, when people see all the things that I am able to do without any help from the government or the UN, they will take my proposal into serious consideration, and not long after, make it law.
Welcome, citizens, to the To Infinity Retrospective, a series created in preparation for Star Wars 9. On the first day of each month, a different Space Opera will be reviewed. And it is your civic duty to read them all. This month, we’ll be covering the 1997 action-satire, Starship Troopers, a film as dense with subtext as it is with blood and boobs. Would you like to know more?
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