HEY! HI! HOW’S IT GOING? WELCOME TO THE TO INFINITY RETROSPECTIVE, A SERIES I CREATED IN PREPARATION FOR STAR WARS 9. WHICH WE NOW KNOW IS CALLED “RISE OF SKYWALKER.” ANYWAY, ON THE FIRST DAY OF EACH MONTH, I REVIEW A DIFFERENT SPACE OPERA, AND, THIS MONTH, WE’LL BE LOOKING AT THE FIFTH ELEMENT, A WACKY, WILD AND WEIRD OFFERING FROM 1997. What’s it about? Well…
In the future, massive, destructive darkness has appeared in space outside of Earth. An alien race predicted that this would happen centuries ago, and so have developed a means of combating this evil, combining the four elements (Earth, Water, Fire, Air) to create a Fifth Element, which will be powerful enough to destroy the darkness. And, wouldn’t you know it, that super weapon just so happens to be a beautiful, often-naked, gibberish-speaking woman, who flees from the lab she was created in, and stumbles into a cab driven by Bruce Willis. He now needs to keep her safe from the darkness, gangsters, and a bunch of other silly, over-the-top shenanigans, and all while ogling her and making creepy, lascivious remarks. Will he succeed in saving the world, and banging the shit out of her? Watch the movie, and find out. Or don’t. I wouldn’t recommend it.
The Fifth Element is the definition of a “loud” movie. It’s loud in the sense that there’s hardly a moment where characters aren’t screaming. It’s loud in the sense that the colors, sets, costumes, and hairstyles are all over-the-top. And it’s loud in the sense that its musical score is big and bombastic. For some people, especially those who like the over-the-top works of directors like Stephen Chow and Baz Luhrmann, that won’t be a problem. For me, I found it insufferable. I hated this movie. Yes, the effects are good. Yes, it’s cool to see a director making an original, big-budget space opera. But it’s so annoying. To this day, people complain about Chris Tucker’s shriek-filled performance. Which is warranted. He really got on my nerves, especially when you realize that he’s not vital to the plot, and yet is in the film for a substantial portion. But he’s not the only one. There’s hardly a person in this movie, with the exception of Bruce Willis, who doesn’t bug their eyes out and scream at all times. There’s one scene where a guy with a weird hat tries to mug Bruce Willis at his front door, and it was physically painful listening to this guy try to shit out his lines. The performances and general silliness were all so distracting that I could never get into the story. And that’s to say nothing of the film’s creepy sexual politics. As I said before, the titular Fifth Element is an often naked young woman, who is shown as being naive and silly, and literally, every male character ogles her body. There’s even a scene where Willis kisses her while she’s unconscious. This is all made doubly creepy by the fact that the writer/director, Luc Besson, impregnated a 16-year-old girl when he was 31 and has been accused of sexual harassment by numerous former employees. Basically, he’s a sleaze. And that really comes out in terms of how the one female character is portrayed and shot.
Guys, I didn’t like The Fifth Element. It’s annoying. It’s sexist. The plot doesn’t make any sense. I know that there are people who love this movie, but I’m not one of them. Maybe the visuals and action scenes will do it for you. But not for me. Give this one a pass.
liusviews 