STAY AWAY FROM 50 SHADES OF GREY!

Greetings Loved Ones! Liu Is The Name, And Views Are My Game.

Loved ones, something happened last night. Something horrible. Something I never thought I’d be capable of doing. I…almost walked out of a movie!

WHAT? NO! QUICK, TO THE BUNKERS!

Now I realize that this might not seem like a big deal to some of you–I almost walked out of a movie, so what?–but, for me, this is a momentous occasion in my movie-going career! See, I’m one of those people who likes to finish the projects I start. If I decide to read a book, I will read every last page of it–no Sparknotes; no Wikipedia! If I sit down to watch a movie, I will be there, every single second, until the end credits roll–no matter how stupid or silly it might get. So the fact that I, who strive to finish EVERYTHING I start, was seriously considering NOT finishing 50 Shades Of Grey, should give you an idea of how mind-bendingly bad this film is!

This movie sucks! There’s no other way to put it. I hate it more than Inglorious Bastards, and that’s really saying something! It’s misogynistic, it’s nonsensical, it’s horribly acted, the characters lack any semblance of personality, and the dialogue is just laughable. To give you an idea of how truly atrocious it is, I will write you some of the ACTUAL lines these actors had to read.

“I don’t do the girlfriend thing.”

“What do you think of that, Mr. Fancy-pants?”

“I’m fifty shades of fucked up!”

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is ACTUAL dialogue, that someone ACTUALLY wrote, and that actors ACTUALLY said, on camera, with straight faces.

LORD JESUS! HELP ME, JESUS! HELP ME, JESUS, PLEASE!

But its not even the horrible dialogue, or the wooden, unemotional acting that gets me. What gets me is that this film is just so damn predictable, so totally lacking in originality, that it becomes boring. Seriously! Every romantic cliche you can think of –the Mary-Sue main character who doesn’t believe she’s pretty, but is actually drop dead gorgeous,the platonic male friend, who’s always of a minority, that secretly likes her, the roommate who’s not quite as attractive as the protagonist, and who can’t stop talking about men, and, of course, the unrealistically rich, attractive, and intelligent male love interest–is present in this movie. The film even seems aware of the fact that its totally banal. The first time the main character, Anna, goes to her love interest, Christian’s, lavish penthouse, she comes upon a giant grand piano. She asks him if he plays, and when he answers, “yes,” she smiles and says, “Of course you do.” I mean, why the hell not? He’s handsome. He’s buff. He’s a billionaire. Why not have him also be an accomplished pianist?

WHY GOD? WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN US?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably thinking, “Nathan, this is a movie based on BDSM porn fan-fiction. What were you expecting? In fact, what were you doing at this movie at all?” Well, I can tell you, I had the LOWEST of expectations going into it, and I only went because my friends and I thought this would be good for ironic laughs–in the same way that a film like The Room or Showgirls is. But, wouldn’t you know it? This movie was even worse than I thought it would be, and it wasn’t even funny in how horrible it was.

The bottom line is, STAY AWAY FROM 50 SHADES OF GREY! It’s an absolute 4 out of 10! It’s not worth anybodies time, and no one, AND I MEAN NO ONE, should have to subject themselves to it in the way that I did. Please, please, please, audiences of the world, don’t turn this into a hit!

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